(no subject)

 My name is Traci, I'm 21 and I've been ana since I was 14. In the past fasting has been more successful when I've had a fasting buddy. So, if anyone would like to be fasing buddies you can text me at 402-813-1098. I'm starting (over) today

(no subject)

I’m just wondering if anyone would like to join my friends list and comment on my eating diary. I’ve only been here for 2 days and I’ve not added anyone yet. I’d love to read about you guys, and have people comment on what I’m doing wrong/right and whatnot.

x-posted.
writing heals

(no subject)

I'm not going to lie, I have been extremely bad yesterday , and I want to kick myself in the ass for it.I ate a small salad,pancakes with cheese and drank almost an entire liter bottle of Coke, and not diet. I wish I could take that all back but I can't.
I feel kinda sick from eating, and I wish I could change what I have eaten but I can't, and I regret it big time.
Today I've been really good. I've only had stuff to drink, and now gum which helps A LOT!.
I will be thin. I will be light as snow and pure as air. I am a beautiful person on the inside, there is no reason (apart from lazy self-indulgence) why I shouldn't be on the outside.
I will be perfect. I will smile and nod at the right times and stand up and be strong whenever it is required of me. I will have everybody wanting to be me, not having a clue about what goes on inside.
Ok, I am going to go work out, and then get a shower and go out or something. Byes.
  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated
writing heals

(no subject)

Positively Pro Choice

Why?

Why would anyone be glad to have an eating disorder? I don't know, but sometimes I am. Sometimes I like being proud of myself for not eating. Sometimes I wish for nothing more than to be "normal" and not have my disorders. Sometimes I don't know who I would be without them. Sometimes I feel cursed. Sometimes I feel blessed.
To me, Anorexia is a painful lover, but I can't let her go.

Ana tells you that you do not need all the crap they're trying to feed to you (literally and figuratively). You are above it all, you transcend normal, human needs. While everyone around you has to give in and cram their mouths with food, you can sit back and calmly refuse. You don't NEED food.


A good thing about having an eating disorder is that you know there is something you can control. I cannot control my mental health--almost 2 decades of insanity and the use of almost every psychiatric drug there is has proven that fact. But I CAN control what I eat. I can control my disorder.
  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful
writing heals

(no subject)

"For a long time I believed the opposite of passion was death. I was wrong. Passion and death are implicit, one in the other. Past the border of a fiery life lies the netherworld. I can trace this road, which took me through places so hot the very air burned the lungs. I did not turn back. I pressed on, and eventually passed over the border, beyond which lies a place that is wordless and cold, so cold that it, like mercury, burns a freezing blue flame."

The girl gets up each day and creates herself out of cloth and paint. She writes at night about men who looked, and boys who touched, and weight. She writes of the great weakness that drove her to the cupboard and made her eat. The writing is never enough. Confession is insufficient. Absolution never comes in the articulation, only in the penance. She thinks of the saints: their flagellums, their bedf of nails, their centuries-late apologies for Eve who doomed all women to the pains of the flesh by giving in to the pleasures of the flesh. They lacerate their own flesh in penance for Eve, for the sins of the world wihich they shoulder as their own. They wear hair shirts, or razors next to their skin.
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She reads books on the saints. The sainted anoretics, who, in thier holy ascetiscism, insisted that God was telling them to starve. She considers God. She determines he, if they were on speaking terms, would tell her to starve for general sins. The hair shirt is her own skin, rasping on the rawness of what lies beneath. She wills herself to rise above the flesh: not food, not sex, not touch, not sleep...The insomnia gives rise to mania, a racing of thoughts and sadistically vivid images flashing in the brain..The thoughts spiral upward, whitling shrill as a teakettle screaming inside the brain.
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DO YOU WANNA BE SOMEBODY?
  • Current Mood
    artistic artistic
writing heals

(no subject)

My History With "Ed"
***
Ana, my maker, my destroyer....
I had met Ana, although at the time I didn't know her by name. All I knew is that I had decided to stop stuffing my face and get skinny.
For the first time in my life, I was beautiful. I was strong.
I realize now that there is no "normal" for someone like me. I am an extremist, it's everything or nothing at all.
I choose nothing.
I also have to accept that Ana doesn't give up easily. I can't just "drop" my eating disorder--it's not like a "diet" that you can just "quit". It's like opening a Pandora's box--once it's let out, it's hard to put back.
I feel like I’m in love with her beauty, simplicity, control and discipline.
My sweet Ana is a faithful friend, but such a demanding lover. Ana racks you with sharp, unbearable headaches from lack of food. Ana blacks you out and makes you fall down. Ana tells you to "sit down before you drop dead". Ana tells you you're doing it right when the stabbing stomach pains force you to sit down and curl up in agony. Ana makes you who you are--strong, light and free. Ana makes you better than all of those mindless weak pathetic drones, shoving gruel in their mouths like pigs at a trough. Quite honestly I would rather die than be fat like I was before.
  • Current Mood
    artistic artistic